We Can’t Pull Change Out of People
I have this friend. Let’s call him Toby. His name isn’t actually Toby. In fact, now that I think of it, I’ve never known a Toby in my life.
Anyways, I have a special connection with my friend Toby. It’s very magical and connected in ways that he admits to consciously not even fully understanding. Shit’s that deep. But I do.
And I can see right into Toby quite easily. I can see his blocks and his fears and his grief. But most importantly, I can see his crazy magical potential.
And yes, I can see this in most of the people I work with and in many of my long time yoga students. And I can usually turn it on and off.
But with Toby it’s more palpable. I can’t help but see it, feel it and experience it. So I also can’t ignore it.
And I could spend time on trying to figure out why I have this sort of connection with this particular friend but in the end it really doesn’t matter. It just is.
The problem is the healer in me goes crazy. She wants to give him all the tools she knows would totally change his life.
She wants to point out those moments when she notices shifts or openings or closings.
She wants to guide him into a healthier way of living and simply being.
And all this is code for saying: I want to change my friend Toby.
I mean it seems so simple from my angle. It’s all right on the surface. Like I said, palpable. It would take no time at all. At least that’s what the little voice in my head has told me.
And the other day I could feel myself trying to pull it out of him. Change. Transformation. Understanding. His potential.
But then I took a step back and realized what I was doing. It was a nasty little habit I thought I broke years ago.
In fact when I started dating Nick I promised myself I was not going to try to change him. I was going to let him be who he is. And I knew that his shine would expand naturally.
And that’s exactly what happened.
But with my friend Toby it feels a little more challenging, which makes me ask myself…
What is it about his transformation that I am so attached to?
What pieces of him do I see in myself?
What would it take to simply accept him for who he is in this moment?
Because here’s the thing, we can’t change anyone. It never works.
We can only hold space for those we care for to be in their own journey. Even if that journey is messy. Even if we can see ways to pull them out of that mess.
It’s not our responsibility to do that. Our responsibility is to love them. To hold them in the light. To realize that we are all different and we all have our own way of getting to the other side of this life.
But also, change is inevitable. We all change. We are constantly evolving. We just can’t put a time line on it.