The breakthrough blog with brittany policastro

Lets Get Through This Together

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Reclaiming My Pussy  

 

This past Saturday I experienced an amazing orgasm. Actually I’ve been experiencing a LOT of orgasms lately. Well over my norm. But more on that in another blog.

As a result I was feeling open and rather vulnerable. In a good way.

I popped on the movie Pitch Perfect 2 and despite seeing it before, found myself bothered by the way women were depicted and talked about. There was so much shaming of a character’s vagina in the first 5 minutes. It just felt wrong.

So you can imagine my reaction when I scrolled through Facebook to see posts like this:

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And this:

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When I realized what was going on I felt deeply sad.  But I do not for one second think that this hasn’t been going on for hundreds of years. Because it has.

Yes, a multitude of other men in power have sexually degraded, assaulted and abused women.

Yes, women are shamed and ridiculed, cat called and demeaned every single day.

And yes, men in power have had affairs that have destroyed their marriages and families.

But this is not the matter at hand.

What we need to continue to address is this discussion about rape culture and how our current Republican candidate is showing us exactly what it looks like with his words and his actions.

But first, let’s get an accurate definition of what “rape culture” is:

Sexual Educator and Podcaster, Dr. Timaree Schmitt PhD. gave me this definition:

Rape culture is all of the ways in which we enable and rationalize sexual assault. It starts with gender roles that describe boys as helpless to their animal desires and teach girls to be gatekeepers of sexual behavior. It’s also when we focus on what victims should do to prevent being raped, instead of teaching the importance of enthusiastic consent. We make the system of reporting rape a gauntlet of trauma and defend, excuse and ignore rapey behavior. 

And this is what I have been seeing for the past 3 days. I have seen deflection, excuses and blaming. This isn’t helping.

But what has also happened as a result of this nonsense is something significant and important. We are FINALLY in a deep conversation about this destructive rape culture.

This is a conversation that we desperately need to have. Because until we can truly understand the problem, the solution will always elude us. Because the solution is within us.

These issues also brought up a story I haven’t thought about in years. It just floated to the top of my consciousness. It wants to be shared…

I was 18 years old and had broken up with my high school boyfriend of almost a year at the beginning of my freshman year of college. We were still friends. In fact he was also friends with many of my high school girlfriends.

Fast forward to months later when I contemplated getting back together with him. I told my girlfriends this. You know, I was in that “we are meant to be together” phase.

Days later there was an intervention. I will say some of the details are a bit fuzzy as this was 17 years ago. But you will get the gist…

They told me they worried about me getting back together with him because on at least 2 separate occasions when he was visiting 2 different friends in their college dorm he got nearly black out drunk and took out his penis and began touching himself while they were sharing a bed.

They were sharing  a bed as friends. They were sharing a bed because they trusted him. We had all been friends for over 2 years. He was my ex. They thought he was safe.

When they told me this I shut down. I took his side. I refused their phone calls. I spent time with him. I acted like it never happened.

In other words. I supported rape culture.

Some time later my ex and I went to a New Year’s Eve Party. It was a disaster that ended in the both of us sharing a bed.

I woke up in the middle of night. He was drunk and incoherent. His fingers were inside of me. I NEVER consented. I was dead asleep.

I didn’t make a big deal of it. I don’t even think I talked to him about it. But it never felt right.

And in that moment I realized that what my friends were saying about him was true.

Still I never acknowledge them or that traumatic event.

But I’m acknowledging it now.

Women are often conditioned to put up with men and their sexual blunders. Their sexual offenses. Their sexual needs.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

We can say NO.

We can say NOT OK.

We can say MY BODY MY TERMS.

But also…

We can be SEXY.

We can be SEXUAL.

We can have ORGASMS.

We can have amazing SEX.

We can RECLAIM OUR PUSSYS.

And to me this also means NOT voting for a man who threatens to violate, assault and control them.

And while I am disgusted by these current events I am also grateful for them. I am happy the conversation has been opened.

I am happy so many conscious people are running with it.

I am happy it brought my own story up to the surface.

Because this shit needs to keep coming up. We need to talk about it. We need to share our stories.  We need to stay empowered. We need to heal.

And I know this is uncomfortable for many of you. I get this. But we can’t keep turning away. We can’t go around these issues. We can only go right through them.

We must be with the big feelings they bring up. We must be honest with ourselves and how we may unknowingly support a culture that makes it very hard for women to feel safe and free being themselves.

I believe we can do this. Together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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